Don’t you just wish that teachers and parents would listen to you occasionally? Rather than pretending they are letting you have some sort of input about the choice of school trips available to you. They pretend to listen and nod sagely while all the time you just know what’s really going to happen. They’ll tell you exactly where you are going, what you can do and how long you can do it for.
Haven’t they been to the movies recently? If it’s all about educational tours haven’t they seen what’s happening out there? Teenagers and students in trouble all over the place, at risk from a series of supernatural beings and natural disasters. What we need is education on survival! Not just sensible advice about how to make a splint and light a fire to attract attention. Proper safety techniques for when we’re faced with unexpected visitors. Like our two favorite types of undead. Vampires and zombies.
Image by purplemattfish via Flickr
The Truth About Vampires
We’ve all seen Twilight. So vampires fall in love with humans? Yeah, right. They tell you that rubbish just to lull you into a false sense of security. Deep in your heart you know there’s no such thing as a vampire that falls in love. Didn’t you ever see Blade? Even he had to have daily injections to stop himself turning into the real undead.
Top tips for vampire survival? Eat loads of garlic and carry a stake. Girls, do NOT get lured into that ‘romance’ rubbish. If he looks like Robert Pattinson and he starts to smile inanely – run! Especially if it’s dark. Remember, they only come out at night. You know all that stuff about protecting yourself from the suns’ rays to prevent premature ageing? Well it has an enhanced effect on vampires.
So where’s the ideal place to hide out? France – they eat a lot of garlic in France. Spend your days surveying the French countryside in places like Provence, Brittany and Normandy while you’re at it. Take in the Eiffel Tower – but be alert and watch out for people wearing polo necks and looking rather pasty faced. No, I don’t mean the British!
A Plague of Zombies
It’s on its way, you know it is. Whatever you do, don’t stay home, head for Europe. Somehow, the deadly virus that turns us all into the staggering undead always starts in the US. If you are pursued remember these basic tactics – avoid baggy clothes and keep your hair short.
Run! They can only shuffle. Stay away from dark places. Don’t use guns, they always run out of bullets! Learn to play the guitar (you’ve seen Dance of the Dead where the dudes play the guitar to a bunch of mesmerized zombies in their garage). Zombies can’t climb they can only push and grab and sort of walk. Don’t think about swimming either – they only walk through the water and emerge unscathed at the other end while you lie panting, exhausted from the effort.
Be alert! Be suspicious of anyone who tells you it’s nothing when they have a gaping wound surrounded by bite marks. Keep an eye on them at all times and don’t, whatever you do, let them go to sleep. Or die! And one final caution, don’t ever go back for your friends and family – they will be zombies, they always are.
And if you do head for Europe on educational tours, stay away from the London Underground. Haven’t you seen the movie Creep? Enough said.
Next time you are planning your senior class trips, ask for a truly educational experience, something that matters, something you can take with you and utilize for potential future crises. You could be the next high school hero, savior of the school – and who knows. The next High School Musical could be all about you!